Friday, December 13, 2013

Timmy the Elf

A couple years ago my dad sent me an elf as part of my Christmas present from him.  I am pretty sure the elf has been handed down a couple times, possibly from my Great Grandma Nana.  At the time, I really had no idea what to do with it and had not really heard of “elf on a shelf” so I just put it out as a funny decoration.  This was pre-kid, so we would have friends over after a night out and we would take pictures with said elf and just laugh at how ridiculous it was.  It would end up in our refrigerator, holding a knife in the knife block, watching us play baseball (quarters), riding a chicken, and so on. 
Enjoying a nice game of baseball
Fast forward to today.  This last year when my dad, stepmom, and brother came to visit from Arizona they saw the elf and we started a little game.  When my dad was here he hid the elf under my husband’s pillow with a note, in hopes to freak him out.  This turned into my husband sending the elf home with my dad, and my dad sending the elf back, etc.  As I was putting my brother’s birthday and Christmas gift together to send to him I figured it would be a good opportunity to send the elf back, with a note to Jack……

Day 21 - My Escape
Dear Jack,
I don’t know where to start… When I arrived back in Wisconsin I was really excited to see my family even though my previous experience wasn’t what most elves call a “merry time.”  I thought to myself, “Timmy, give them another shot.  Let’s make the most of this time we have together,” and to my disappointment that is not what happened.  As they opened the box I traveled in and first laid eyes on me I was expecting a warm welcome, but instead they threw me to the side like I was chopped liver.  Gross.  Have you ever seen chopped liver?  Here is a picture: 
Looks like dog food if you ask me.  Or, a pile of Rudolph’s turds.  As I lay on their kitchen counter, feeling helpless, all I could think about was my buddy Jack back in the warm state of Arizona.  I really missed you and knew that I had to make my way back to see you.  I played it cool the first couple days as these “humans” just went about their business, as if I didn’t exist.  Then the horror began….
One night, I heard the loudest screech and cries I have ever heard.  Louder than Santa’s snoring for sure and that is pretty loud.  I could see in the distance one of the human’s carrying a smaller version of a human, I think they are called a baaaaay-beeeeee?  I don’t know for sure, but these humans seem to always be giving this little mini human a lot of attention.  Anyway, this mini human, or baby, was so loud and water was shooting out if its eyes like crazy.  I am going to be honest here, Jack, when I tell you I was scared.  The loud screech almost made my ears explode.  I knew at this time I had to get out of there.  I could not imagine myself having to live the rest of my life wondering when this mini human baby would make these noises again.  It was like walking on broken candy canes, or should I say “pins and needles”…... This is when I began to devise a plan for escape. 
The next couple weeks were the longest in my entire life.  It was torture, Jack.  These humans would just come and go as if they had no idea who I was…minding their own business, making food for the “baby”, and ignoring me as my stomach growled in hunger with my throat as dry as cotton balls. Sometimes if I was desperate, I would lick the countertops in hopes there were leftover crumbs I could eat.  Sometimes I was lucky, and other times I was not so lucky.  Meanwhile, this mini human baby was always getting food and he would barely even eat it!!  He would throw the food on the ground, rub it in his hair, try to hide it in his chair, etc.  Then the big humans would just clean it up and throw it all away.  RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!  I often thought about throwing myself off the kitchen counter into the food on the floor from the mini human baby, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I am very afraid of heights.  Speaking of things I am afraid of, have you seen these pictures people keep posting on this computer-thingy???  The big humans would always look at these pictures in front of me.  It was if they were taunting me.  See below:
When have you ever seen such a tiny, beautiful, elf be put in such a horrible situation?  Since when does the elf have to clean the floor? I feel bad for this guy - his owners must be friends of my owners. 
And it gets even worse.  Everyone knows elves have a hard time looking at computers with their tiny eyes.  The above picture gave me migraines just looking at it!
This is what humans call a creative idea for elves!!!???  How about a nice stroll in the park, or a lovely spaghetti dinner?  Now that’s creative.  Not, “hey, let’s plan a pirate attack on the elf and really scare the crap out of him!!”

Now this is just silly.  We are elves people, not Santa Clause.  We don’t grow beards nor do we want to pretend we can.  Plus, mocking Santa is against the Elf policy put in place by Santa III, and going against that policy could lead to an elf being put on shoe making duty for at least 6 months.  Stinky!

Now this w0uldn’t be so bad for most elves, but not for me.  I am allergic to sugar.  If my skin even touches sugar I will swell up and look something like this:

This is not a good look for me.

This was my last straw.  I had to get out.  So, I waited for the right opportunity and days later, it finally came.  I heard one of the humans talking about your birthday and Christmas presents and how they would be sending you a package.  DING DING - there is my way out.  I knew I had to get in that package and that is what I did.  I watched the human put all your gifts and candy into the box and noticed there was an extra spot just big enough for me to creep in.  As the human turned away to grab something, I hopped into the box, and the human closed the box, not noticing a thing.  I bet at this point they don’t even know I am gone.  Unless they are bored again and try to make me ride the egg-laying chicken like a pony.  Sounds hilarious, but I am allergic to chickens.  This is what I looked like after that experience:
I feel like those guys with the green hair and I would get a long great.  We seem to have a lot in common…. I guess I will keep that in mind if things don’t work out staying with you.  I sure hope they do, though. 
Now that I am here, Jack, I really hope I can stay a while.  I think we will get along great if you can at least follow these simple rules: 1) Never feed me sugar or make me ride a chicken (allergic), 2) I must have at least 1 meal and unlimited amounts of eggnog and hot chocolate every day, 3) If you give me a bath, you must use marshmallow-scented soap bubbles - it’s the best for elf skin, 4) I can stay up as late as you want but I cannot be expected to wake up early.  I need at least 12 hours of sleep per night, and 5) In the evening, I like to practice my vocals for Christmas caroling so I ask that you do not interrupt me from the hours of 6pm to 8pm.
Merry Birthmas Jack!!!  I am so glad I am here to celebrate your month with you!  Oh, and congratulations on winning your school’s spelling bee!!  We are going to have so much fun!!!

TGIF!  Have a great weekend! :)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comment away, I love it!