Dumb things I’ve done this week….

Let me get this out there: I am a complete moron at times.  Throughout my day, I usually make an ass of myself 5-10 times.  AT LEAST.  That doesn’t count the other times no one has noticed what I have done or said, so really that number should be higher.  But whatever, it’s me and that’s how I roll.  I roll like a moron.  Anyway, here is a small list of dumb stuff I have done this week…and it’s only Wednesday....

1) I found a recipe on Pinterest for the most perfect sugar cookies a while back, and pinned it knowing it would come in handy someday.  Well, that day was last Sunday when I decided that I would make them for Christmas this year and be all Betty Crocker on my family’s ass.  I have never made cut-out sugar cookies before, but figured it can’t be that hard and would just go with it. I bought all the ingredients, came home, and went about my business.  For one, I don’t even own a dough roller so I had to improvise and use a water bottle.  Clever, I know.  Anyway, since I have never made these cookies I had no idea what I was doing and made half the batch too thin.  Awesome.  The recipe seriously made like a million cookies and half were too thin.  So after I was done frosting them all with homemade frosting (yeah, I did that), I tried one.  My first though was “meh”…  Could have been because I ate enough cookie dough to put me in a salmonella coma, I messed up the recipe, or the recipe was really not “the most perfect sugar cookie.”  Either way, I was not pleased.  They weren’t awful, but they were not what I was hoping for especially when the reviews on the recipe said they were “bakery quality.”  The next day at work I told a couple co-workers about my cookie making the night before, and was telling them how I didn’t care for them, how I am pretty sure I got salmonella poisoning, etc.  That night while making Kamden dinner I decided to try another cookie.  Much to my surprise they were pretty good!  I don’t know if it was because my stomach had recovered from all the cookie dough and sugar, or if this is the first time in the history of the world where fresh cookies are not better than day old cookies, but they were good.  So, with that said I brought those cookies to work today for our holiday feast after telling people that they were awful.  Merry Christmas!!!!

2) Speaking of our holiday feast, yesterday I convinced everyone that it would be funny if we all wore ugly Christmas sweaters to work today.  I even sent out an email to our department:

Hello Everyone!

For tomorrow’s holiday feast we are also welcomed to wear holiday attire.  Talking with a few people today, we thought it might be fun to wear ugly Christmas sweaters tomorrow to join in the spirit!  Hopefully we all have a sweater we can dig out of the back of the closet that will fit the part!

See you all tomorrow….hopefully looking a little something like this:

I sent this email thinking I still had an ugly sweater I wore a few years ago, but when I got home last night I couldn’t find it.  I could not show up today without wearing a sweater after I convinced my team to all wear one.  I would definitely look like a douche showing up all normal looking.  So, on my way to work this morning I took a pit-stop at Kohl’s and roamed around until I found something I could wear.  Here she is:

Yup, yours eyes are not tricking you.  That is a sweater with a picture of a dog wearing a sweater.  Apparently this is in fashion because I found it in the junior department at Kohl’s.  Also, I am pretty sure I still look like a douche wearing this damn sweater.

3) On Monday when I left work I stopped at the post office to mail off a present.  The post office is not on my normal route to pick up Kamden, so I took a different route to the sitter’s house.  A couple miles before the sitter’s house you can get on the highway to our house and without thinking I started turning on to the on-ramp to go home, without my son.  I realized what I was doing as I was jamming away to my music after it was too late to turn around.  There is not really a close exit I could take to turn around so I basically drove home and immediately turned around to pick up KB, and then drove home again.  Seriously, am I a robot?  Do I “bee-bop-boo-beep (explosion)” if I take a different path in my day? 

I am sure there are more moron moments for me this week I could list, but I think my mind is blocking them out in my favor.

Happy Hump Day!

 

Timmy the Elf

A couple years ago my dad sent me an elf as part of my Christmas present from him.  I am pretty sure the elf has been handed down a couple times, possibly from my Great Grandma Nana.  At the time, I really had no idea what to do with it and had not really heard of “elf on a shelf” so I just put it out as a funny decoration.  This was pre-kid, so we would have friends over after a night out and we would take pictures with said elf and just laugh at how ridiculous it was.  It would end up in our refrigerator, holding a knife in the knife block, watching us play baseball (quarters), riding a chicken, and so on. 

Enjoying a nice game of baseball

Fast forward to today.  This last year when my dad, stepmom, and brother came to visit from Arizona they saw the elf and we started a little game.  When my dad was here he hid the elf under my husband’s pillow with a note, in hopes to freak him out.  This turned into my husband sending the elf home with my dad, and my dad sending the elf back, etc.  As I was putting my brother’s birthday and Christmas gift together to send to him I figured it would be a good opportunity to send the elf back, with a note to Jack……

Day 21 - My Escape

Dear Jack,

I don’t know where to start… When I arrived back in Wisconsin I was really excited to see my family even though my previous experience wasn’t what most elves call a “merry time.”  I thought to myself, “Timmy, give them another shot.  Let’s make the most of this time we have together,” and to my disappointment that is not what happened.  As they opened the box I traveled in and first laid eyes on me I was expecting a warm welcome, but instead they threw me to the side like I was chopped liver.  Gross.  Have you ever seen chopped liver?  Here is a picture: 

Looks like dog food if you ask me.  Or, a pile of Rudolph’s turds.  As I lay on their kitchen counter, feeling helpless, all I could think about was my buddy Jack back in the warm state of Arizona.  I really missed you and knew that I had to make my way back to see you.  I played it cool the first couple days as these “humans” just went about their business, as if I didn’t exist.  Then the horror began….

One night, I heard the loudest screech and cries I have ever heard.  Louder than Santa’s snoring for sure and that is pretty loud.  I could see in the distance one of the human’s carrying a smaller version of a human, I think they are called a baaaaay-beeeeee?  I don’t know for sure, but these humans seem to always be giving this little mini human a lot of attention.  Anyway, this mini human, or baby, was so loud and water was shooting out if its eyes like crazy.  I am going to be honest here, Jack, when I tell you I was scared.  The loud screech almost made my ears explode.  I knew at this time I had to get out of there.  I could not imagine myself having to live the rest of my life wondering when this mini human baby would make these noises again.  It was like walking on broken candy canes, or should I say “pins and needles”…... This is when I began to devise a plan for escape. 

The next couple weeks were the longest in my entire life.  It was torture, Jack.  These humans would just come and go as if they had no idea who I was…minding their own business, making food for the “baby”, and ignoring me as my stomach growled in hunger with my throat as dry as cotton balls. Sometimes if I was desperate, I would lick the countertops in hopes there were leftover crumbs I could eat.  Sometimes I was lucky, and other times I was not so lucky.  Meanwhile, this mini human baby was always getting food and he would barely even eat it!!  He would throw the food on the ground, rub it in his hair, try to hide it in his chair, etc.  Then the big humans would just clean it up and throw it all away.  RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!  I often thought about throwing myself off the kitchen counter into the food on the floor from the mini human baby, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I am very afraid of heights.  Speaking of things I am afraid of, have you seen these pictures people keep posting on this computer-thingy???  The big humans would always look at these pictures in front of me.  It was if they were taunting me.  See below:

When have you ever seen such a tiny, beautiful, elf be put in such a horrible situation?  Since when does the elf have to clean the floor? I feel bad for this guy - his owners must be friends of my owners. 

And it gets even worse.  Everyone knows elves have a hard time looking at computers with their tiny eyes.  The above picture gave me migraines just looking at it!

This is what humans call a creative idea for elves!!!???  How about a nice stroll in the park, or a lovely spaghetti dinner?  Now that’s creative.  Not, “hey, let’s plan a pirate attack on the elf and really scare the crap out of him!!”

Now this is just silly.  We are elves people, not Santa Clause.  We don’t grow beards nor do we want to pretend we can.  Plus, mocking Santa is against the Elf policy put in place by Santa III, and going against that policy could lead to an elf being put on shoe making duty for at least 6 months.  Stinky!

Now this w0uldn’t be so bad for most elves, but not for me.  I am allergic to sugar.  If my skin even touches sugar I will swell up and look something like this:

This is not a good look for me.

This was my last straw.  I had to get out.  So, I waited for the right opportunity and days later, it finally came.  I heard one of the humans talking about your birthday and Christmas presents and how they would be sending you a package.  DING DING - there is my way out.  I knew I had to get in that package and that is what I did.  I watched the human put all your gifts and candy into the box and noticed there was an extra spot just big enough for me to creep in.  As the human turned away to grab something, I hopped into the box, and the human closed the box, not noticing a thing.  I bet at this point they don’t even know I am gone.  Unless they are bored again and try to make me ride the egg-laying chicken like a pony.  Sounds hilarious, but I am allergic to chickens.  This is what I looked like after that experience:

I feel like those guys with the green hair and I would get a long great.  We seem to have a lot in common…. I guess I will keep that in mind if things don’t work out staying with you.  I sure hope they do, though. 

Now that I am here, Jack, I really hope I can stay a while.  I think we will get along great if you can at least follow these simple rules: 1) Never feed me sugar or make me ride a chicken (allergic), 2) I must have at least 1 meal and unlimited amounts of eggnog and hot chocolate every day, 3) If you give me a bath, you must use marshmallow-scented soap bubbles - it’s the best for elf skin, 4) I can stay up as late as you want but I cannot be expected to wake up early.  I need at least 12 hours of sleep per night, and 5) In the evening, I like to practice my vocals for Christmas caroling so I ask that you do not interrupt me from the hours of 6pm to 8pm.

Merry Birthmas Jack!!!  I am so glad I am here to celebrate your month with you!  Oh, and congratulations on winning your school’s spelling bee!!  We are going to have so much fun!!!

 Love,

Timmy

TGIF!  Have a great weekend! :)

Finish the Sentence....Christmas Edition

It's been a while since I have participated in a link-up, but Jake and Holly are back at it again!  Thankfully this one is all about Christmas and I love Christmas.  A win-win in my book.  Here goes nothin'!

1. My favorite Christmas was....the year my aunt and mom arranged my grandparents’ light up deer in their front yard to make it look like one was mounting the other…  My grandparents’ street has a tradition where each house puts a cardinal with Christmas lights on it in their front yard, and a lot of people drive through their neighborhood to check it out.  We all started to realize that people were driving by extra slow in front of their house, but figured they just really liked my grandparents’ decorations.  I can’t remember how my grandparents found out about the “act” that was taking place in their front yard, but my grandma flipped a biscuit when she realized and we all learned a very valuable lesson that day.  Never mess with grandma’s sh*t!!! Sorry grandma….

Just kidding, my favorite Christmas was last year because it was Kamden’s first, and I have never felt such a sense of family as I did last year.  The holidays are much more fun and meaningful with KB here. J

2. The worst Christmas I had....was when my family thought it would be hilarious to give me TRAINING BRAS in my stocking for me to open in front of EVERYONE.  Along with that being super hilarious, was the fact that I never even thought I needed a bra (I was like 7 or 8 or something) and that was how I was told.  Yeah, that totally happened.  And also, what Santa brings a kid a training bra?  Probably the creepo Santa that works in the department store to support his boozing habit. Worst part was that my cousin, same age as me, was getting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines, candy, etc. in his stocking and all I was pulling out was training bra after training bra.  I die.

3. That one gift that made me scratch my head and say, "Hmmmm" was....training bras (see #2).  Side note: Are training bras a thing still?  Or are they just called sports bras now?

4. One year I....got a My Little Sister doll and my cousin got a My Little Buddy doll.  Anyone remember those?  I loved my doll but told my cousin that his doll was Chucky from Child’s Play.  He was so easy to mess with and totally believed me.  I am pretty sure he set that doll outside his bedroom every night with his door closed for at least 5 years.

5. I think the worst gift to give is....TRAINING BRAS!!!! Duh…

6. At Christmastime I typically....pretend that I am going to work out more and eat extra healthy to offset the holiday food consumption on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve….but in reality I end up working out less and eating my weight in chocolate and eggnog.  That’s why leggings are a must around the holidays.  J

7. Typically, family Christmas....happens the weekend before Christmas (for my side).  It’s so hard to get everyone together when there are spouses that celebrate with their families, etc.  We decided celebrating the weekend before makes it easier on everyone so they are not hopping from house to house on Christmas day.

8. If I could change one thing about the Holiday season....it would be that we all had more time to spend with family.  I know things can get hectic and a lot of people can’t wait until all the madness is over, but I always feel like I am rushing from place to place to actually be able to enjoy myself.  So, employers just need to give everyone that week off and we would all be a little less batty.

9. It is so hard to buy for....my brother.  He’s 12 now and I have no idea what 12 year old boys like.  Plus, he lives in Arizona so I only see him maybe 2 times per year.  He is so smart and so mature that every gift I come across seems too childish for him.  Even gifts that I would personally love myself seem too childish.

10. My favorite Christmas tradition is....eggnog.  I love eggnog and the only time I get to drink it is at my grandparent’s house for Christmas.  It may be the only drink without alcohol in it that I am most excited about.  I love the stuff.  My grandma puts ice cream in hers.  MMMMmmmHmmmmm that stuff is yummy!

11. Santa, baby, bring me a....winning Mega Millions ticket!  I want to fly all of our asses out of this deathly cold weather and lay on a beach in the sun until we turn into beef jerky.

Tan Mom: Ruining beef jerky since 2012

One more week after tomorrow and I am off until after the new year.  I will make it to Christmas.....I will make it to Christmas......


A Rant

Most of the people that know me, know I have road rage.  “My name is Devon and I have been raging for 13 years.”  I get it, not everyone has a lead-foot like me….that’s fine.  And probably better for you that you don’t.  But when you can’t do a simple thing like turn on your blinker when you turn, or drive within the lines on the road, then we have issues. Or, when people pull out in front of me; causing me to slam on my breaks; only to go 10 miles under the speed limit.  FURY!!!!!  

Now let’s insert snow.  People seem to drive like they suddenly can’t reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel when there is snow on the ground.  PEOPLE: WE LIVE IN WISCONSIN!  THE SNOW HAPPENS EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.  Nothing new here!  One would think that people who live in the Midwest would be used to driving in wintery conditions.  I would assume a majority of the people around here have lived in the Midwest long enough to know what to do and what not to when there is snow and ice on the roads.  But, no.  Every year is Winter Driving 101 and people just panic.

When it comes to my road rage, it really only applies to people driving.  However, last Tuesday I learned a whole new level of the rage.  PEDESTRIANS.  Want to know what not to do when you are the pedestrian walking by the road?  DON’T BLINDLY WALK OUT INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC WHEN THERE IS A LOT OF SNOW FALLING AND ICE EVERYWHERE.  Why would someone do that??  NO FREAKING CLUE.  But that did happen to me on Tuesday.  I was just getting off work and heading home.  The snow was falling like crazy and people were taking precaution and driving slow because of the visibility and ice on the roads.  It was really slippery.  I am pretty sure I heard there were like 500 accidents in the area that day…or was it 50?  I dunno, either way it was a lot.  Well, I am driving along at about 30 mph on a 4-lane street when this moron decides to just walk out into oncoming traffic without even looking to see if anyone was coming.  At this point I am probably about 30 feet away so I am thinking the person will have some pep in their step to make it across without getting hit.  NOPE.  That is not what the person did.  Right about now is when I start honking like a crazy woman and start trying to slow down.  The person is still not picking up speed and hasn’t looked in my direction at all.  Are they wearing headphones????  Do they not have any peripheral vision??  I DON’T KNOW, BUT I AM FREAKING OUT!!  There are cars in the lanes on both sides of me so I wouldn’t be able to swerve without hitting something or someone.  I start to really put on the breaks and my car starts sliding.  I am sliding straight at this person.  I honk even more obnoxiously to hopefully get their attention.  Doesn’t work.  I shit you not, I missed hitting this person by about 6 inches. This prompted me to roll my window down and yell, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!??” at the top of my lungs as I passed the person.  Still didn’t flinch.  WTF.  By now I can’t tell if the warm sensation in my pants is the seat warmer or my urine.  My rage level is at a 10 million.

 

On top of that craziness, I had to stop at the Walgreen’s drive-up to get buddy boy some eye drops because he had pink eye.  The Walgreens drive-up could be a whole other rant in itself, so I will spare you from more raging at this time.  It is the holidays, after all. 

All jokes and raging aside, I hope everyone travels safe this year and doesn’t have too many ding-bats to deal with on the road.